The Snarky Cats of Ulthar

I just watched Case 39 (2009), starring Renée Zwellweger and Jodelle Ferland (Five from Dark Matter ). I knew reviews weren't good, but I was hoping it would at least be entertaining. It wasn't. Warning: SPOILERS (and for Frailty (2001), too). Emily is an overworked social worker who takes in one of the kids she's supervising, Lily, after her crazed parents lock her in the oven and try to burn her alive. When people close to her start getting harmed, Emily begins to suspect Lily's parents may not be crazy and that there's something very wrong with their daughter. That Lily is some sort of demon spawn becomes obvious as soon as Emily goes to her house to get her things and finds out her parents had bolts inside their bedroom door, along with a cross and a bible. Now, it's only a matter of time before she starts to show her demonic side to kind, well-intentioned Emily.  First, one of the kids whose cases Emily is overseeing goes crazy and kills his parents. After

It’s been a while since we’ve written anything Lovecraft-related, so we’ve decided to compensate for it by reviewing Richard Stanley’s 2019 adaptation of The Colour out of Space . Warning: SPOILERS . Ward Phillips is a hydrologist sent to the lands surrounding Arkham to do a survey. There he meets Lavinia Gardner and her family – her father, alpaca-enthusiast Nathan; her recovering mother, Theresa; her stoner brother, Benny; and her kid brother, Jack. They live in an isolated farm and after a meteorite falls near their home, a strange colour begins to infect everything around it, ruining crops and mutating the wildlife. Soon the Gardners begin to change, both mentally and physically. However, by the time they think of leaving, they realise that the mysterious colour has a mind of its own and they’re trapped. The biggest problem with adapting this story is the fact that much of the goings-on at the Gardner farm happen off-page. Whenever their neighbour goes there, he only witnesses the

Last night, I finished slogging through the final episode of Thai Netflix series Bangkok Breaking (2021). I almost quit halfway through Episode 3, but then I changed my mind and decided to keep watching. I wish I hadn’t. Warning: there will be spoilers. The series follows Wanchai – who goes to Bangkok to meet his brother, Jo, but ends up being pulled into a criminal underworld of murder, drug dealing, and corruption involving criminal kingpin Hardcore, powerful businessman Wat, and a private rescue team, the Rumpalangjai Foundation – and Kat – a newbie journalist trying to carry on the investigation on corruption involving private rescue teams that her mentor, Muay, was involved in until she was severely injured in a car crash allegedly caused by Jo. Naturally, their paths cross and they not only begin working together, but also fall in love. Wanchai also befriends and starts working for a rival rescue team, the Jaitham Foundation, led by Somsak, who used to work with Jo at Rumpalangj

We already did an overview of the Doctor Satan series , but now we’re going to rank the master criminal diabolical schemes. We have several criteria: - Diabolical Scheme (the scheme itself) - Bonus Mad Science/Magic/Powers (whatever mad science/magic/powers not directly associated with the main scheme) - Death Fail (Doctor Satan’s attempt(s) to kill Ascott Keane) We’ll be grading them on a scale of 1 (downright embarrassing) to 5 (evil genius). The Diabolical Scheme ranking isn’t connected to the story’s quality. This is why Beyond Death’s Gateway ranked so high, while the egregious Death Fails in both The Consuming Flame and The Devil’s Double helped lower their positions in the ranking. Expect SPOILERS. 1. DOCTOR SATAN DIABOLICAL SCHEME (5/5) Doctor Satan has genetically engineered an Australian thorn bush to flower in a couple of hours in a person’s brain. His plan is to extort wealthy businessmen by killing a couple of them with the bush to scare his next victims into submittin

The series Doctor Satan was written by Paul Ernst and published in Weird Tales between 1935 and 1936. This post is a mostly spoiler-free overview of the whole series. We’re reviewing them in the order they were published. There's also another post where we rank Doctor Satan's diabolical schemes, which you can read here . Doctor Satan is named after the villain, a very wealthy man who turned to a life a crime out of boredom. However, his are no ordinary crimes – Doctor Satan’s diabolical schemes involve magic, mind control, and mad science. His only rule is that his illegal activities must turn a profit. He also likes to dress for the job, wearing red robes, red rubber gloves, a red mask, and a red horned cowl, which he occasionally hides underneath a black hat and a black cloak. Opposing him is occult detective Ascott Keane, wealthy and with enough knowledge of ancient lore to rival his archenemy’s. Neither man fights alone. Doctor Satan has two minions, the small, monkey-li

After all the bad/meh Western horror movies, I decided to try something different this time: Incantation (2022), one of the best Taiwanese horror movies ever made. Allegedly. I remember reading that tagline on Twitter, but I only realised it referred to this movie when I googled for reviews after watching it. No, that is not a good sign. Warning: SPOILERS . Ronan has just regained custody of her daughter, Dodo, after being under psychiatric care. She used to believe she was cursed after she and her friends broke an unspecified taboo connected to a mysterious Buddhist incantation. As soon as Dodo arrives at her new home, there’s some poltergeist activity and the little girl starts seeing an invisible “baddie” crawling on the ceiling. After Dodo becomes mysteriously paralysed, Ronan finally decides to do something to break the curse. Ming, a foster care worker who bonded with Dodo, tries to help by restoring the video Ronan and her friends filmed six years ago because he’s clearly never

Another day, another horror movie. These are my thoughts on  La Abuela (2021). Warning: SPOILERS . Susana is a moderately successful Spanish model working in Paris who must return to Madrid to look after her grandmother after she has a stroke. Naturally, weird shit happens. Not only does poor Susana work in the capricious, highly competitive, and always hungry fashion industry, but she also ends up trapped in an old apartment with her witchy nana, who wants to hijack her body so she can live another life with her lesbian lover (who has already hijacked her granddaughter's body). And the worst part? Nana had been planning this since her granddaughter was a little girl! She even has a painting of (adult) Susana wearing her clothes and holding her pet bird stashed somewhere, ready to be hung on the wall as soon as the switch is completed. That's some serious premeditation. Good on Susana for trying to use her terrible soup-making skills to kill her seemingly unkillable nana. B

It’s time for more bad horror on Netflix. Today, it’s Robert (2015), an evil doll movie directed by Andrew Jones (yes, the same one who directed The Last House on Cemetery Lane , which I also reviewed ). I know I said I wasn’t going to watch more of his movies because it would be a waste of my time, but since this one featured a doll and dolls are always scary, I thought it might be good. I was wrong. To be fair, it’s quite possible that Robert was really intended as a comedy. Either way, it’s bad. Warning: SPOILERS . The movie begins with a tormented couple in a dark, candle-lit spooky room (because what better place to be when you believe your house is haunted) telling their scary-looking housekeeper, Agatha, about the weird stuff that’s been happening in their house. Agatha reveals that it’s not the house that’s haunted, it’s the doll. The camera then slowly pans to SUCH AN OBVIOUSLY EVIL CURSED CREEPY-LOOKING DOLL THAT ANYONE WOULD WANT TO BURN IT ON SIGHT (and which for some reaso

I finally watched the 2011 Fright Night remake a little over a week ago. I only tweeted my less than impressed opinion because I felt there was no point in wasting my time and energy writing a full review. After someone tweeted a review defending this as better than the 1985 original (and some of the replies agreed with it), I changed my mind. Sort of. This post will mostly point out the biggest differences between the two movies and why these changes don't really work. Warning: SPOILERS ahead. There is one moment in the remake that was genuinely surprising, a single one: Charlie's failed rescue of his neighbour. That's it. The 2011 remake injected stereotypical American high school dynamics into the plot, so we end up with an ex-geek Charlie who abandoned his bestie Ed (and a third friend who dies right in the beginning) when he started dating hot, popular Amy. There are even a couple of bullies who mock Ed. It's Ed (and the third friend) who have been investigating a