Horror Review: Phantasm II (1988)

And after Phantasm (1979), which I reviewed here, it's time for Phantasm II (1988). If you're wondering where this will stop, I regret to inform you that I got the DVDs of the first 4 movies, so... Warning: SPOILERS.

Liz is tormented by the knowledge of the Tall Man and his gruesome work. She's also had the misfortune of seeing the previous movie in her dreams and is now waiting for Michael to find her before the Tall Man gets her. Meanwhile, Michael has just been discharged from the psychiatric hospital where he's spent the last seven years. He's obsessed with finding and stopping the Tall Man, and has also been dreaming of Liz. After Reggie suffers a personal tragedy, the two old friends get a bunch of weapons and hit the road looking for both him and Liz.

ICYMI the first movie ended with Michael being dragged through the mirror by a couple of zombie hands. Now, we find out what happened courtesy of Liz's visions. After Michael was attacked, Reggie had to face one of the Tall Man's pygmy zombies. He smashed its face with a rifle, which we don't get to see, and had to blow up his zombie infested house after jumping through a window with Michael. It's a closed window. And they land on the ground without a single cut. The Tall Man doesn't seem too concerned about losing Michael again and simply puts the empty coffin back in the hearse and drives away. Liz gives us a reason for his interest in both Michael and herself: they can see him. Which still doesn't explain why the Tall Man simply doesn't grab Michael and take him like he does everybody else.

Because Michael decided to tell people about the weird man stealing corpses and turning them into short zombies before shipping them off to another dimension, he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for seven years. And that's how long it took him to realize he should just tell the doctors what they want to hear so he can leave. Look, I know he was thirteen in the first movie, but that's still pretty dumb. The scene of his meeting with the head psychiatrist sees Michael's spoken dialogue interspersed with his thoughts and it looks as if he's actually saying all of it out loud. Which, considering how dumb these characters are, wouldn't be that surprising. The first thing he does after being declared fully recovered? Grab a pickaxe and go dig up graves in the nearest cemetery. This is where Reggie finds him and convinces him to join him and his family for dinner. Aww, that's nice... or would be if the Tall Man didn't blow up the house right when they get there. Shit! We didn't even get to meet Celeste, little Bonnie, and Aunt Martha before they were killed to free Reggie to join Michael's quest! It's important to note that Michael had a vision of what was going to happen. However, before they start looking for the Tall Man, Michael and Reggie must get themselves some weapons. Michael makes a flame-thrower and Reggie a mega shotgun. They also have grenades, a chainsaw, hammers, and shovels. It is ON!

Turns out the Tall Man has been travelling through several small towns, killing all their inhabitants and raiding their cemeteries. Is he still using the same method than in the previous movie? Because that whole shape-shifting into a woman and seducing one horny idiot at a time so he can kill them doesn't seem particularly efficient. And how does he deal with straight women and gay men? Anyway, Michael and Reggie stop at one of these ravaged small towns with Reggie's voice-over telling the audience how sometimes the Tall Man lays a trap for them. Huh, why didn't we watch any of that? Have they been fighting pygmy zombies offscreen?

The first place they go to is the local mausoleum/mortuary. Michael has a vision of an unknown woman's corpse, and Reggie finds Liz... or does he? No, he doesn't. It's only a trick of the Tall Man and when Michael gets too close, a Tall Man alien parasite head bursts out of her back and taunts him. Why did he do that? Why didn't he try to grab Michael before revealing himself? The Tall Man is such a tease.

Meanwhile, in the small town of Perigold, Liz is accompanying her grieving grandmother to her grandfather's funeral. In between comforting his parishioner, the local priest keeps acting shifty around the corpse. He clearly knows something weird is going on. Liz wanders through the mausoleum and bumps into the Tall Man, who aggressively tells her the funeral is going to start. He also steals her pin and licks some goo off it. Eww! WTF was that? Also, Rutger Hauer did the whole creepily licking bodily fluids much better in The Hitcher.

While Liz was wandering, the priest finally mustered enough courage to stab grandpa's corpse. Right after he does it, a woman sees it and faints. I wondered if it was Liz's grandmother, but since no one talks about this, I guess not. Really, what happened with that woman? And why are people still living in that town? Of course, stabbing zombies doesn't stop them. So, not only does zombie grandpa freaks out Stabby Priest by standing outside his door that night, he then turns up in his widow's bed. The next morning, they're both gone. Well, this is new. There were no regular zombies in the original and now the recently deceased go fetch their surviving relatives. That's certainly smarter than the Woman in Lavender trick. And we get some regular jump scares.

Michael and Reggie are still driving and now they've picked up a hitchhiker, Alchemy, aka Chemy, who happens to be the same woman Michael saw dead. He thinks it could be dangerous for her, but Reggie is horny. That's an understandable side effect of hunting down the man who blew up your wife and daughter. Anyway, turns out Chemy is also going to Perigold. Now, that's a funny coincidence. I'm sure it means nothing. They end up at her uncle's boarded up hotel and fill the place with booby traps before going to the local cemetery. Who's also going there? Liz, looking for her missing grandmother. Who's already there? Stabby Priest.

Stabby Priest runs into the Tall Man, who taunts him and uses his telekinetic powers to choke him with his own crucifix, which ends up hanging upside down. Oho, does this mean he's Satan or Hell-adjacent? The Tall Man is a lot more talkative this time, which somehow makes him even less scary, but here he has the movie's better line: "You think when you die you'll go to Heaven - you come to us". For some reason, he doesn't kill Stabby Priest, who then bumps into Liz and gets killed in a wonderfully bloody way by one of those spheres of death. Liz is attacked by her pygmy zombie grandmother and narrowly escapes... into Michael's arms. The two lovebirds immediately start making out. In an empty grave. In close proximity to the Tall Man's evil lair. Idiots. Reggie gets them out of there and they all go back to the hotel. What follows is just embarrassing.

Remember how Reggie had the hots for much younger Chemy? Well, it’s mutual. Sort of. Apparently, she really loves his bald head and keeps grabbing it while aggressively riding him cowgirl style complete with yee-haws. With her underwear still on. While this is going on, Michael and Liz are lying next to each other. Chastely. And then they start communicating telepathically because it's all really a dream, which means it's okay to blandly make out. Really, there's no heat between any of these people. So, it's actually a blessing when the Tall Man shows up and kidnaps Liz. Thank you, creepy pin licker!

Reggie and Michael send Chemy away before going to save Liz, who's currently about to be shoved into the crematorium. Oh, I should probably mention that in this movie, the Tall Man has minions other than the compacted zombies. There are mortuary workers and what Michael calls "gravers", who dig up graves wearing WW2 gas masks. I have to give the movie points for creating its own creepy world for its villain. The nature of these helpers isn't explained, but they don't seem to be regular humans, even if they don't have special powers as shown when Liz manages to free herself and escape.

Once at the mausoleum/mortuary, Reggie sabotages the fluids used to revive the corpses, Michael discovers something that looks like a lock, and they find Liz as the mortuary worker catches up to her. The spheres of death offer some unexpected assistance by attacking the Tall Man's minion and pinning him to a wall. Hmm, shouldn't the spheres be able to distinguish between friend and foe? That's a major oversight by the Tall Man. Michael, Reggie, and Liz realize that the spheres work as keys for the lock Michael had seen earlier. And what lies behind that door? The interdimensional pillars, naturally. And then, the Tall Man shows up and they're totally not ready for him. Again, idiots.

The previous movie had a lot of back and forth between the mausoleum and Tommy and Michael's home, but fortunately the sequel doesn't. This is the big fight before the inevitable surprise return of the unkillable bad guy. The Tall Man throws Michael and Reggie through the portal with his superhuman strength, and takes Liz to be zombiefied. So, he could’ve done that all along? Luckily for Michael and Reggie, the atmosphere of that other dimension is breathable. They escape and reach Liz just in time. The Tall Man conveniently forgets to use his powers as they stick the sphere on his forehead. You remember how the Tall Man bleeds yellow soup, right? And you know how the spheres of death spit a blood geyser when they latch onto their victims, right? Well, when you combine the two, it looks as if the Tall Man is peeing through his forehead. They stab him with the needles carrying the special fluids and he gets all bloated while his skin starts to burn. An alien, bug-like clawed thingy comes out of his head and tries to get Michael, but he's finished. (Except, not really, but let's pretend he is)

The deluded trio escapes and Chemy shows up in the Tall Man's hearse, which she stole after her car broke down. They drive away and everything's fine... until Chemy pulls out a lock of hair plus skin from her dead head. She throws a wounded Reggie out of the car and taunts Michael and Liz. By now, it's the Tall Man in her place because of course, he didn't die. Michael assures Liz it's just a dream, but the Tall Man says it's not. Several zombie hands break through the car windows and drag them out of there. And that's it. None of this makes sense because we actually saw Chemy steal the car while the Tall Man and his minions were fighting the trio. I thought there was something suspicious about her in the beginning, but I don't see how any of this would be possible. However, Phantasm II isn't going to let logic get in the way of its "shocking" ending.

Yes, the acting is still bad, the dialogue is still crap, and the characters are still the dumbest, but Phantasm II is much better than the original. Though, let's face it, that wasn't much of a challenge. It even manages to be enjoyable at times by ramping up the gore. The MVP are the spheres of death, which provide the much needed bloody deaths. Phantasm II also has a more coherent plot and expands the universe of the first movie, even if it never bothers to explain the villain's motivation and goals. Verdict: if you're into horror movies of questionable quality, give it a try.

By Danforth