Pinocchio (2022)

Pinocchio (2022), the story everyone knows about a wooden puppet that wants to become a real boy... Except this one is the Guillermo Del Toro version. So, get ready for fascism, demanding fathers, WWII bombs, and fantastic creatures with unexpected ocular placement.

After losing his son, Carlo, in a WW1 bombing, carpenter Geppetto becomes a depressed drunk. One day, he tears down the tree that sprouted from a pinecone Carlo had found and makes a boy puppet in an attempt to get his son back. Along with the pine tree comes a wordly cricket, Sebastian, who had chosen that particular spot as the best place to write his memoirs. As Geppetto lies in a drunken stupor, some wood sprites take an interest in his creation. The wood sprites are floating eyes that assemble into a blue many-eyed, many-winged, feathered mermaid who uses her powers to give life to Pinocchio. She tasks Sebastian, whose house is now inside the puppet's torso, with making him good. If he accomplishes that, she'll grant him one wish.

Next morning, Geppetto wakes up to find his creation running around. Pinocchio asks what several objects are for in a song... and proceeds to throw them away once his curiosity is satisfied because he's a little savage... whoops, sorry, I meant enthusiastic. Geppetto locks him up to go to church, but Pinocchio manages to follow him and freaks everyone out. Because he's a talking inanimate object. Worse, he's a talking doll! Let's face it, if that happened in real life to all the people watching this and feeling sorry for poor Pinocchio, they wouldn't want to sing with him, they'd think of Chucky, Annabelle, creepy ventriloquist dummies, and grab an axe. However, the very religious, superstitious people of this small Italian town, are quick to accept Pinocchio and the local fascist decrees that the talking puppet must go to school.

Before his first class, he helps Geppetto to fix the church's Jesus. Pinocchio is confused why people like a non-talking, non-moving wooden figure and not him. Hmm, I know Pinocchio was born, like, yesterday, but he's coming across as a little dim. Instead of explaining that the big crucifix represents something else, or just point out the obvious differences between the two, Geppetto gives Pinocchio the usual 'people are afraid of what they don't know' speech. When he's finally sent to school, Pinocchio is immediately tricked by an unscrupulous carnival manager, Count Volpe, and his monkey, Spazzatura, into becoming their star/slave. Naturally, Geppetto is furious when he finds out and they argue about it... right after Pinocchio gets run over by a car and dies. Yes, after.

In the afterlife, four rabbits carry Pinocchio's coffin. However, it turns out he's not really dead. Death, who's a many-eyed sphinx with a double snake tail, explains that he can't die, but that with each death, he'll have to spend more time with her. Oh, and she's also the sister of the wood sprite that gave him life in the first place. Pinocchio's downtime is measured by hourglasses. When he comes to, the local fascist declares him the perfect soldier because he's unkillable. Naturally, Geppetto doesn't want to send his son to war. Count Volpe presents the contract, which says either Pinocchio performs, or Geppetto must pay him a bunch of money. Like I said, father and son argue and Pinocchio is sad. He then decides to fix things by going with Volpe, as that would keep him from the war and also prevent his father from going bankrupt. He leaves Sebastian behind, which is actually good, as this allows the cricket to tell Geppetto where he went. The two then set out to find the boy puppet neither of them asked for but was instead foisted on them by a random supernatural creature who sees children as interchangeable and a magical cure for depression and alcoholism.

It's easy to predict where the story is headed... or it should be. However, Del Toro had other plans. Until his inevitable reunion with his father and cricket, Pinocchio will become a star, perform a poop-themed song and dance number for Mussolini (yes, really), be drafted into a boy soldier training camp, help the local fascist's son rebel against his demanding father right before the camp is bombed, be crucified and nearly burned alive, inspire Spazzatura to rebel against Volpe, and swim in a gastric fluid stream after being swallowed by a sea monster. This last bit isn't that bad because Geppetto and Sebastian had been swallowed by the same sea monster earlier, so they're finally all together. How did Geppetto and Sebastian survive? By fishing on that gastric fluid stream. Good thing the sea monster has a shitty metabolism.

After they manage to be sneezed out of their fishy prison thanks to a Shrek-inspired stunt, Pinocchio dies again. This time, he's desperate to go back to save Geppetto from drowning. Death explains that if he goes back before the sand runs out, he'll become mortal. He doesn't care and of course he ends up dying after saving Geppetto. Sebastian rants against the now twice grieving father about how he argued with Pinocchio and was a shitty parent in general. I know I should've been moved, but it was just annoying. Again, Geppetto didn't actually ask for another child - he wanted his son Carlo back from the dead. He needed grief counselling, not a living puppet. This is NOT a Dr Frankenstein situation. Then there's the passage of time. How long was Pinocchio with him? The town finds out about Pinocchio on the same day as Geppetto and he's ordered to send him to school later that night. Then, on the first day of school, Pinocchio meets Volpe and performs. Right after that, he dies the first time and Geppetto gets mad. Pinocchio leaves that same night. So, two, three days? Is the audience really supposed to hold it against Geppetto the fact that he didn't get over his many issues in that very short time period? Anyway, the wood sprite shows up and Sebastian predictably uses his wish to bring Pinocchio back. Unlike in other versions, however, he doesn't get turned into a flesh and blood child. Now, they finally go home. Yes, including the monkey, who was the one who drew Volpe's attention to Pinocchio in the first place.

Years pass, Geppetto grows old(er) (he basically looks like a grandpa from the start) and dies. Pinocchio on the other hand, doesn't age. One day, he finds Sebastian lying motionless. Pinocchio puts him in a box and places it inside him, near his heart. He then finally feels ready to venture out into the world. So, a living puppet who keeps the corpse of his dead cricket friend inside his torso is going to rejoin society after spending years isolated. That sounds more like the beginning of a horror movie than a happy ending.

The attention to detail was impressive and it's clear that a lot of care was put into building the world of Pinocchio. I also liked this version of the afterlife, with the card playing rabbits and the sphinx-like Death. However, the war and fascism are bad detour in the middle of the movie was completely unnecessary. There had been plenty of that already with Carlo's death and the earlier scenes featuring Candlewick and his father. Pinocchio's performance for Il Duce stood out as a sore thumb. Seriously, what was that? Much of this movie reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth and The Devil's Backbone and it just felt like Del Toro was repeating himself. And then there's the running time. This movie didn't need to be two hours long, though judging by other recent Netflix releases, that appears to be mandatory nowadays.

Verdict: I didn't hate Pinocchio, but it just didn't live up to the hype.

By Danforth